What is Shame?

We’ve all felt it. That deep, stomach-turning type of discomfort that can feel intolerable.

Shame. ugh.

It has a power not only to cause acute discomfort shortly after a negative event but even for long after. It can leave us with lingering discomfort.

We most often experience this discomfort after we had a partial or even complete role in some sort of negative consequence. Often we experience feelings of regret, concern, guilt, and even sometimes, shame.

But what exactly is guilt versus shame? These two terms are often used interchangeably, however, they are quite different. Guilt and shame differ in how we make meaning of our sense of discomfort.

Too often, people experience shame after making a mistake or poor choice rather than guilt.

Guilt vs. Shame

Guilt is something that is actually quite helpful for us. The discomfort of guilt informs us to do differently in the future. Guilt is our compassionate teacher if you will.

Shame, however, is rooted in our emotional response, and it is our linking a bad situation to our core understanding of self. While guilt will tell us, “I made a bad choice”, shame would instead tell us, “I’m a bad person“.

Over countless generations, guilt has helped teach us to avoid repeating mistakes, and thereby, make better choices over our lifespan. While guilt is actually useful to us in this way, shame seems to be the opposite.

Over time, shame eats away at our self-esteem and confidence.

Each mistake we make seems to build upon the last, only reinforcing negative messages we tell ourselves about our value and worth.

This deep negativity associated with shame is often so uncomfortable that we consciously/ subconsciously do mental gymnastics to try and avoid it.

In fact, our efforts to avoid feelings of shame can have life changing consequences: lost relationships, chronic conflict with others, moving jobs or residences, etc.

But! These are patterns that you can learn to change.

What Can We Do About Shame?

If you happen to be someone who tends toward feelings of shame, when guilt would be a more appropriate response, you can learn the skills and tools to help you shift those cognitive patterns.

You can even work through the pain of past shame to change your emotional response. While facing these memories can sometimes feel scary or just uncomfortable, re-processing them and changing how you make meaning of the experience can truly be life changing.

I urge you to talk to your therapist and share what memories you are holding onto that still cause you feelings of shame. It might be the right time to free yourself from the discomfort of shame.